Right, trite, or blight?

Sometimes I get so bogged down by the truths of eternity and the universe that I really can't recognize any discernible difference between one decision or another. Conscious and rational thinking is but a blip, some go so far as to call it an abnormality, in existence that I can't help but question its constructions. Human civilization continually changes its conditions, on almost a daily basis, with no end in sight. This is because we have encountered nothing superior to human intellect and thus are left to journey through time on our own, shaping our world based off of our amaranthine experiences. In one of many ways, I think people use religion to reconcile their feelings of supremacy in this world by vesting faith in something so great that we cannot fathom, see, hear, or speak to.

In the interest of avoiding digression, though, I would like to speak to the burdens of certain realizations. To regularly ask the question, "In the line of eternity, will this matter?" indicates a level of realization enough to drive one mad with insanity, absolute disregard for all life, or utter indifference and complacency, among other things I'm sure. I happen to fall under the latter most category; I can be complacent to the point of self-degradation. That sounds a bit extreme. This may actually be somewhat of a normal thing, but I have embraced unpleasant situations by way of not actively engaging to evade or dissolve them. 99% of the time, it's because I don't really feel or pay any mind to the effect these situations have on my life.

Railing against my apathy, however, is the opposite realization that my life is going to be what I make it. I've struggled for the majority of my life with caring enough to make it more than it is. This has been for nothing else but the belief that nothing that happens matters. If I become very accomplished and make countless contributions improving the quality of peoples' lives, how does that hold any more bearing on the remaining 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of the universe than if I just work by day and veg by night? Realistically, it doesn't. It makes difference not, and that ought to be reason enough never to strive for anything considered worthwhile.

It's the idea that things just don't have to matter that's been working on keeping my interest in life aflame. Regardless of the virtually non-existent influence and meaning of my life in this universe, I am still sentient and will be forced to experience all that comes my way. Having no desire for my life to end must mean I'm sticking around for something, right? If nothing really matters, though, then what is it that I'm waiting around looking for? Ought I to stop looking and start living? But what does living imply, embracing the natural flow of life or seeking active engagement in constructing your own realities? And if I haven't determined that yet, is it too late to do either? These are the questions I grapple with lately. It's a little like trying to kick an addiction, though. I use these questions to pull myself out of using the meaninglessness of existence as a reason not to do anything, but sooner or later, deciding how to live becomes too much to handle, and I fall right back into using again.

Maybe someone ought to tell me I'm using my thinking brain too much and that I need to shut up and carry on like a normal person.

vocab words: amaranthine and aflame