What if the main purpose is discovering which to choose?



The options are pretty clear. The hard part is realizing that there is more than one way. After that, it's up to you. It may or may not take a very long amount of time. As of yet, I am still undecided. I do feel I am fairly close, though.

Probably the most promises I make are to myself



I have consistently found that the person easiest to break promises to is myself.

Just Trying to Figure Anything Out

Religion has never appealed to me in any way. At the very least, I've never been interested in any of the traditional monotheistic religions. As a young kid, I'd go around saying that I believed in God just because it seemed like something to say, but I had no real comprehension of what God was. I think I was actually 12 or 13 before I became conscientious about the concept of God and what it implied. Neither of my parents are religious, and we never went to church a day in my life. Hence was why it was never something I really pondered before. When I did finally think about it for the first time, I decided that there is no such thing as a superior and omnipotent being that created the universe and life as we know it. I also decided that there is no such thing as Heaven or Hell and that the only place people go when they die is in the ground, an incinerator, the bottom of the ocean, or wherever it is a dead body could possibly end up.

Anywho, with that out of the way, I'd like to get to the real subject matter of this post. The Serenity Prayer, which I think is recited by Christians, maybe others, goes something like this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference

My life has been pretty turbulent for for the last half year or so. I've been in a constant state of struggling as its taken a turn for the worse. Part of, if not all of my trouble stems from my inability to accept the things that I am slowly beginning to realize that I may not be able to change. I've expressed before my lack of faith in establishments, and I constantly play out scenarios in my head where I rail against these establishments when confronted by them. Its never been in my nature to fight or cause any kind of trouble, but when I feel like my principles or beliefs that I fervently cling to are being challenged, I have a hard time sitting back and letting them be trampled. Unfortunately, doing anything else gets me into trouble. So right now, I fritter away my time caught in a rift. I've always wanted to be the guy who is happy in any situation. Kind of like R.P. McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The guy is in and out of prison and eventually committed to an asylum just for being a fun-loving, carefree, rowdy individual. Not once does he seem to pay any mind to the fact that there's really no reason he ought to spend a night in jail, let alone in a loony bin. He just smiles and makes the best of whatever situation he is in. That's the guy I want to be, but unfortunately, I get pissed off when shit like that happens to me, and anything I do only exacerbates my misery. Lately, I've actually begun to take comfort in the Serenity Prayer. I leave God out of it, like I do when saying the Pledge of Allegiance, but I don't feel that I compromise its integrity in any way by doing so. For now, I'm going to pretend that everything qualifies as the "things I can not change" and go from there. Hopefully I may gain the wisdom to one day know the difference.

vocab words: fritter and exacerbate(s)

Please tell me I'm being melodramatic

I haven't been this depressed in a very long time. I look all around me, and all I see is everyone and everything constantly moving, flexing, changing, progressing. As for myself, I'm just staying in the same spot, not moving a single inch. At least, that's how I feel. I'm fairly resistant to change, and I always have been. I like to find something that works, and the way I see it, what necessity is there for changing your conditions when there's nothing wrong with what you're currently doing? I guess I just wish more people would be as content with simplicity as I am. This hugely intricate, fast-paced, and complex world has been created through centuries of evolution, and there's sadly not really any room left for simple guys like myself. I've long since determined that I was born in the wrong time period. Either that, or I was just wrongly born.

One thing I've never been able to accept is that we are brought to life involuntarily and then expected to meet all kinds of standards and such. When we fail to meet the expectations placed on us, we are faced with disappointment, misery, loss of happiness, and other unpleasant experiences, and I think that is extremely shitty. Not having chosen to take this life, I do not understand why I am expected to live up to anyone's standards. This, more or less, has probably been the reason why I've been almost entirely devoid of any real motivation for my whole life, and my lack of motivation lends itself to depression. I get depressed because I'm not doing anything productive, meaningful, or fun while everyone around me is. Subsequently, when I get depressed, I lose all chances of motivation. Notice a bit of a cycle?

In the past, my depression was relatively short lived and not extremely frequent. But as I'm getting down to the wire in my college days, I've made some startling realizations that have really overwhelmed me. For the most part, I feel like I've been on autopilot for 21 years, not caring enough about anything to create lasting and meaningful memories, relationships, opportunities, etc. Now that I've figured this out, I'm considerably depressed about it, but I also feel like it's too late to do anything because I'd basically be starting my life over again. Everyone has certain parts of their lives that they would do differently if they had the chance, but those parts of their lives helped make them who they are today, advising them what to do if they ever are presented with similar situations in their otherwise precarious futures. As for myself, I would do about 85% of my life differently if I had the chance. That's pretty fucked up. I'm not happy with who or where I am, and despite my burning desire to change that, I simply do not know how.

vocab words: devoid and precarious

Growth Through Suffering

As an alcoholic, it seemed there was rarely any choice between drinking or not. It was just a given that I was going to drink. I wanted to drink, so I did. There were no in-betweens, no self-discussions as to whether or not I should drink today. I think it's this way for most, if not all, alcoholics. I've been listening to what a lot of these people have to say lately, and it seems one of the crucial turning points is when someone tells them, "you don't have to drink today," and they realize the inherent truth in that statement. "No matter how tantalizing it may seem, you really can choose not to drink today if you don't want to." That's where the realization and the first step toward sobriety are both made.

Sometimes I like to imagine if I was incapable of choosing to drink. What would it be like if the decision not to drink was permanently made for me by something superior to myself? If you struggle with alcohol, like I do, it might be kind of ideal, don't you think? Just like it seemed there was never any decision to drink in the first place, I just did it, there would be no decision not to drink because I just wouldn't.

Sure, it might be nice. I wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of my alcohol consumption because there would be no consumption. But if I had that choice taken away from me, who would I be? I certainly would not be the person I am now, the person struggling with deciding whether or not I am going to drink today. See, it's the struggle to make a decision, and which decision is ultimately made, that defines who people are. All life is suffering, and your suffering defines you. If you hadn't suffered continually throughout life to be the person you are right now, who would you be? Would you like that person? I feel like struggle produces strength and character, and everyday that I grapple with the urge to drink, regardless if I come out victorious or not, is a day that I become a slightly better person. So do with that what you will.

vocab words: tantalizing and grapple

An Observer, if Anything

I have a hard time keeping up with this because I don't generally "free write", if we can call it that, if I'm not particularly inspired by something or at least feeling a little creative. Nine times out of ten, when I set out to write with no inspiration, I end up squelching whatever crap it is I come up with and decide to do something else like play video games. I especially prefer not to write something that will be made public if I don't truly feel like I have something (hopefully important) to say.

And that's just it - I don't have much to say. When asked, in the form of an essay question or debate topic, I could speak on a lot of things for a long time. This does not mean, however, that I care about any of those things, as it neither implies my opinion on any of them. Don't infer that I'm totally apathetic; I'm just trying to illustrate my point, and the point is that I like to keep to myself and really would prefer not to express much at all.

I go through these phases where I latch onto something that either really bugs me, or that I really care about. Thus far, since starting this blog, I have covered a lot of the things I am currently concerned with. What I mean is, I've just about run out of fuel for the time being. There are billions of other random thoughts clogging up my brain tubes with a veneer of intellectualism that I wouldn't mind revealing, but that's just what they are. Thoughts. One-liners. They stop short of providing a full-fledged post or discussion. I don't know enough about anything to really develop them, and I don't really care to. What I would like to do is simply carry on in about the same manner I have for as long as I can remember.

I've always been quite observant, noticing and remembering things that most people don't. I can recall the little things in life just as well as the important ones, and it used to trouble me that most people don't. I've come to be able to accept this now. I figure that most people are so concerned with the big things, that the little ones just fall to the wayside, having little impact on them and their big lives. I've long lost my ability to articulate the point I'm getting at now, which sucks because I think it's a really nice point.

vocab words: veneer and squelch(ing)

Preaching Indifference: A Sensible Cure to Conflict

What does the election of our first black president imply about the state of racism in the United States? To speak with complete honesty, I don't know, and I do not care. I think Barack Obama's victory resonated with scores of disenchanted blacks as their own personal victory as well. No one ever mentions that he is the child of an interracial couple and was raised by his white grandmother, but that's ok. I think some people really needed that victory, so who are any of us to take it away from them?

What I would like to take away from not just blacks, but practically everyone in this country, is the acknowledgment of diversity. I know how that sounds, but it’s very difficult for me to elucidate what I mean. I shall try my best.

Diversity has been an overwhelmingly significant source of conflict in this country since its establishment, and nothing anyone has ever done has come even close to solving the problems that arise from it. I believe there is one explanation as to why this is the case - every action that is influenced by diversity, be it with positive or negative intentions, brings attention to the fact that it exists at all. With issues related to diversity consistently on the news pages (same-sex marriage, affirmative action, feminism, etc.), we are just as consistently reminded that we are surrounded by those who are different from us and that something must be done about it! This constant reminder, I believe, only perpetuates the very "problems" that we are looking to resolve.

I have no issues with diversity or with those that are different from myself. In fact, I have the exact opposite of issues with diversity - complete and utter apathy. I've always been a big believer in tolerance and neutrality. However, I find these terms are a little too neat, perhaps a little too politically correct, to describe how I actually feel. What I preach I like to call indifference. I am the most indifferent individual you will probably ever meet. I simply don't care. I don't care that you're black, white, yellow, or brown. I don't care that Jesus Christ is your lord and savior and that she worships the sun god. I don't care that he likes taking it in the ass and that she's a rugmuncher. I don't fucking care. None of these characteristics will ever have an impact on the way I perceive someone. There are only two things that can and will affect my perception of someone: their words and their actions, and that's it. Even then, I try my damnedest not to even have perceptions of people. That facilitates the development of certain expectations, and I fervently believe that expectations arouse more trouble than even diversity.

Black history month, gay pride marches, various cultural events - all of these things have something in common: they perpetuate the conflicts that diversity creates. Any action on part of the government or other bodies that looks to resolve diversity-related conflicts clearly only have one audience. That audience is those who are going to stir up trouble when faced with diversity. That being said, I think we can safely assume that everyone else doesn't have an issue with diversity. So, I must ask, why all the advertisement? Why the marches and extravagant celebrations? You're advertising to those who have no issue with you and to those who are going to hate you for who you are. It makes no sense to me. What I really wish everyone would do is just stop giving a fuck, like me. All of these self-important, "look at us, we're different than you, respect us", obnoxious showcases have got to stop.

The government, most surprisingly, has not been the least helpful in any of this. Decades’ worth of retroactive legislation seeking to right wrongs committed in an otherwise forgotten era of constitutional adherence have engorged the interests of those who really bear no entitlement to such compensation. Some states and local governments have managed to have the presence of mind to ignore and stray away from affirmative action and various related mandates, but alas, the distinct boundaries drawn by our early federalist principles are vanishing in the looming shadow of the so-called “federal” government.

I feel I’m beginning to delve into something completely else, so I’d like to end while I still appear to be ahead. The preceding issues bother me. When I am bothered by present situations, I like to take comfort in unheeded wisdom of great minds that would construct a better human condition if only our omnipotent decision-makers would acknowledge them.

"Legislation is powerless to eradicate racial instincts, or to abolish distinctions based upon physical differences, and the attempt to do so can only result in accentuating the difficulties of the present situation."

-Supreme Court Justice Henry Billings Brown

vocab words: engorged and elucidate