As an alcoholic, it seemed there was rarely any choice between drinking or not. It was just a given that I was going to drink. I wanted to drink, so I did. There were no in-betweens, no self-discussions as to whether or not I should drink today. I think it's this way for most, if not all, alcoholics. I've been listening to what a lot of these people have to say lately, and it seems one of the crucial turning points is when someone tells them, "you don't have to drink today," and they realize the inherent truth in that statement. "No matter how tantalizing it may seem, you really can choose not to drink today if you don't want to." That's where the realization and the first step toward sobriety are both made.
Sometimes I like to imagine if I was incapable of choosing to drink. What would it be like if the decision not to drink was permanently made for me by something superior to myself? If you struggle with alcohol, like I do, it might be kind of ideal, don't you think? Just like it seemed there was never any decision to drink in the first place, I just did it, there would be no decision not to drink because I just wouldn't.
Sure, it might be nice. I wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of my alcohol consumption because there would be no consumption. But if I had that choice taken away from me, who would I be? I certainly would not be the person I am now, the person struggling with deciding whether or not I am going to drink today. See, it's the struggle to make a decision, and which decision is ultimately made, that defines who people are. All life is suffering, and your suffering defines you. If you hadn't suffered continually throughout life to be the person you are right now, who would you be? Would you like that person? I feel like struggle produces strength and character, and everyday that I grapple with the urge to drink, regardless if I come out victorious or not, is a day that I become a slightly better person. So do with that what you will.
vocab words: tantalizing and grapple
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