I haven't been this depressed in a very long time. I look all around me, and all I see is everyone and everything constantly moving, flexing, changing, progressing. As for myself, I'm just staying in the same spot, not moving a single inch. At least, that's how I feel. I'm fairly resistant to change, and I always have been. I like to find something that works, and the way I see it, what necessity is there for changing your conditions when there's nothing wrong with what you're currently doing? I guess I just wish more people would be as content with simplicity as I am. This hugely intricate, fast-paced, and complex world has been created through centuries of evolution, and there's sadly not really any room left for simple guys like myself. I've long since determined that I was born in the wrong time period. Either that, or I was just wrongly born.
One thing I've never been able to accept is that we are brought to life involuntarily and then expected to meet all kinds of standards and such. When we fail to meet the expectations placed on us, we are faced with disappointment, misery, loss of happiness, and other unpleasant experiences, and I think that is extremely shitty. Not having chosen to take this life, I do not understand why I am expected to live up to anyone's standards. This, more or less, has probably been the reason why I've been almost entirely devoid of any real motivation for my whole life, and my lack of motivation lends itself to depression. I get depressed because I'm not doing anything productive, meaningful, or fun while everyone around me is. Subsequently, when I get depressed, I lose all chances of motivation. Notice a bit of a cycle?
In the past, my depression was relatively short lived and not extremely frequent. But as I'm getting down to the wire in my college days, I've made some startling realizations that have really overwhelmed me. For the most part, I feel like I've been on autopilot for 21 years, not caring enough about anything to create lasting and meaningful memories, relationships, opportunities, etc. Now that I've figured this out, I'm considerably depressed about it, but I also feel like it's too late to do anything because I'd basically be starting my life over again. Everyone has certain parts of their lives that they would do differently if they had the chance, but those parts of their lives helped make them who they are today, advising them what to do if they ever are presented with similar situations in their otherwise precarious futures. As for myself, I would do about 85% of my life differently if I had the chance. That's pretty fucked up. I'm not happy with who or where I am, and despite my burning desire to change that, I simply do not know how.
vocab words: devoid and precarious
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