Please tell me I'm being melodramatic

I haven't been this depressed in a very long time. I look all around me, and all I see is everyone and everything constantly moving, flexing, changing, progressing. As for myself, I'm just staying in the same spot, not moving a single inch. At least, that's how I feel. I'm fairly resistant to change, and I always have been. I like to find something that works, and the way I see it, what necessity is there for changing your conditions when there's nothing wrong with what you're currently doing? I guess I just wish more people would be as content with simplicity as I am. This hugely intricate, fast-paced, and complex world has been created through centuries of evolution, and there's sadly not really any room left for simple guys like myself. I've long since determined that I was born in the wrong time period. Either that, or I was just wrongly born.

One thing I've never been able to accept is that we are brought to life involuntarily and then expected to meet all kinds of standards and such. When we fail to meet the expectations placed on us, we are faced with disappointment, misery, loss of happiness, and other unpleasant experiences, and I think that is extremely shitty. Not having chosen to take this life, I do not understand why I am expected to live up to anyone's standards. This, more or less, has probably been the reason why I've been almost entirely devoid of any real motivation for my whole life, and my lack of motivation lends itself to depression. I get depressed because I'm not doing anything productive, meaningful, or fun while everyone around me is. Subsequently, when I get depressed, I lose all chances of motivation. Notice a bit of a cycle?

In the past, my depression was relatively short lived and not extremely frequent. But as I'm getting down to the wire in my college days, I've made some startling realizations that have really overwhelmed me. For the most part, I feel like I've been on autopilot for 21 years, not caring enough about anything to create lasting and meaningful memories, relationships, opportunities, etc. Now that I've figured this out, I'm considerably depressed about it, but I also feel like it's too late to do anything because I'd basically be starting my life over again. Everyone has certain parts of their lives that they would do differently if they had the chance, but those parts of their lives helped make them who they are today, advising them what to do if they ever are presented with similar situations in their otherwise precarious futures. As for myself, I would do about 85% of my life differently if I had the chance. That's pretty fucked up. I'm not happy with who or where I am, and despite my burning desire to change that, I simply do not know how.

vocab words: devoid and precarious

Growth Through Suffering

As an alcoholic, it seemed there was rarely any choice between drinking or not. It was just a given that I was going to drink. I wanted to drink, so I did. There were no in-betweens, no self-discussions as to whether or not I should drink today. I think it's this way for most, if not all, alcoholics. I've been listening to what a lot of these people have to say lately, and it seems one of the crucial turning points is when someone tells them, "you don't have to drink today," and they realize the inherent truth in that statement. "No matter how tantalizing it may seem, you really can choose not to drink today if you don't want to." That's where the realization and the first step toward sobriety are both made.

Sometimes I like to imagine if I was incapable of choosing to drink. What would it be like if the decision not to drink was permanently made for me by something superior to myself? If you struggle with alcohol, like I do, it might be kind of ideal, don't you think? Just like it seemed there was never any decision to drink in the first place, I just did it, there would be no decision not to drink because I just wouldn't.

Sure, it might be nice. I wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of my alcohol consumption because there would be no consumption. But if I had that choice taken away from me, who would I be? I certainly would not be the person I am now, the person struggling with deciding whether or not I am going to drink today. See, it's the struggle to make a decision, and which decision is ultimately made, that defines who people are. All life is suffering, and your suffering defines you. If you hadn't suffered continually throughout life to be the person you are right now, who would you be? Would you like that person? I feel like struggle produces strength and character, and everyday that I grapple with the urge to drink, regardless if I come out victorious or not, is a day that I become a slightly better person. So do with that what you will.

vocab words: tantalizing and grapple

An Observer, if Anything

I have a hard time keeping up with this because I don't generally "free write", if we can call it that, if I'm not particularly inspired by something or at least feeling a little creative. Nine times out of ten, when I set out to write with no inspiration, I end up squelching whatever crap it is I come up with and decide to do something else like play video games. I especially prefer not to write something that will be made public if I don't truly feel like I have something (hopefully important) to say.

And that's just it - I don't have much to say. When asked, in the form of an essay question or debate topic, I could speak on a lot of things for a long time. This does not mean, however, that I care about any of those things, as it neither implies my opinion on any of them. Don't infer that I'm totally apathetic; I'm just trying to illustrate my point, and the point is that I like to keep to myself and really would prefer not to express much at all.

I go through these phases where I latch onto something that either really bugs me, or that I really care about. Thus far, since starting this blog, I have covered a lot of the things I am currently concerned with. What I mean is, I've just about run out of fuel for the time being. There are billions of other random thoughts clogging up my brain tubes with a veneer of intellectualism that I wouldn't mind revealing, but that's just what they are. Thoughts. One-liners. They stop short of providing a full-fledged post or discussion. I don't know enough about anything to really develop them, and I don't really care to. What I would like to do is simply carry on in about the same manner I have for as long as I can remember.

I've always been quite observant, noticing and remembering things that most people don't. I can recall the little things in life just as well as the important ones, and it used to trouble me that most people don't. I've come to be able to accept this now. I figure that most people are so concerned with the big things, that the little ones just fall to the wayside, having little impact on them and their big lives. I've long lost my ability to articulate the point I'm getting at now, which sucks because I think it's a really nice point.

vocab words: veneer and squelch(ing)