Just Trying to Figure Anything Out

Religion has never appealed to me in any way. At the very least, I've never been interested in any of the traditional monotheistic religions. As a young kid, I'd go around saying that I believed in God just because it seemed like something to say, but I had no real comprehension of what God was. I think I was actually 12 or 13 before I became conscientious about the concept of God and what it implied. Neither of my parents are religious, and we never went to church a day in my life. Hence was why it was never something I really pondered before. When I did finally think about it for the first time, I decided that there is no such thing as a superior and omnipotent being that created the universe and life as we know it. I also decided that there is no such thing as Heaven or Hell and that the only place people go when they die is in the ground, an incinerator, the bottom of the ocean, or wherever it is a dead body could possibly end up.

Anywho, with that out of the way, I'd like to get to the real subject matter of this post. The Serenity Prayer, which I think is recited by Christians, maybe others, goes something like this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference

My life has been pretty turbulent for for the last half year or so. I've been in a constant state of struggling as its taken a turn for the worse. Part of, if not all of my trouble stems from my inability to accept the things that I am slowly beginning to realize that I may not be able to change. I've expressed before my lack of faith in establishments, and I constantly play out scenarios in my head where I rail against these establishments when confronted by them. Its never been in my nature to fight or cause any kind of trouble, but when I feel like my principles or beliefs that I fervently cling to are being challenged, I have a hard time sitting back and letting them be trampled. Unfortunately, doing anything else gets me into trouble. So right now, I fritter away my time caught in a rift. I've always wanted to be the guy who is happy in any situation. Kind of like R.P. McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The guy is in and out of prison and eventually committed to an asylum just for being a fun-loving, carefree, rowdy individual. Not once does he seem to pay any mind to the fact that there's really no reason he ought to spend a night in jail, let alone in a loony bin. He just smiles and makes the best of whatever situation he is in. That's the guy I want to be, but unfortunately, I get pissed off when shit like that happens to me, and anything I do only exacerbates my misery. Lately, I've actually begun to take comfort in the Serenity Prayer. I leave God out of it, like I do when saying the Pledge of Allegiance, but I don't feel that I compromise its integrity in any way by doing so. For now, I'm going to pretend that everything qualifies as the "things I can not change" and go from there. Hopefully I may gain the wisdom to one day know the difference.

vocab words: fritter and exacerbate(s)

Please tell me I'm being melodramatic

I haven't been this depressed in a very long time. I look all around me, and all I see is everyone and everything constantly moving, flexing, changing, progressing. As for myself, I'm just staying in the same spot, not moving a single inch. At least, that's how I feel. I'm fairly resistant to change, and I always have been. I like to find something that works, and the way I see it, what necessity is there for changing your conditions when there's nothing wrong with what you're currently doing? I guess I just wish more people would be as content with simplicity as I am. This hugely intricate, fast-paced, and complex world has been created through centuries of evolution, and there's sadly not really any room left for simple guys like myself. I've long since determined that I was born in the wrong time period. Either that, or I was just wrongly born.

One thing I've never been able to accept is that we are brought to life involuntarily and then expected to meet all kinds of standards and such. When we fail to meet the expectations placed on us, we are faced with disappointment, misery, loss of happiness, and other unpleasant experiences, and I think that is extremely shitty. Not having chosen to take this life, I do not understand why I am expected to live up to anyone's standards. This, more or less, has probably been the reason why I've been almost entirely devoid of any real motivation for my whole life, and my lack of motivation lends itself to depression. I get depressed because I'm not doing anything productive, meaningful, or fun while everyone around me is. Subsequently, when I get depressed, I lose all chances of motivation. Notice a bit of a cycle?

In the past, my depression was relatively short lived and not extremely frequent. But as I'm getting down to the wire in my college days, I've made some startling realizations that have really overwhelmed me. For the most part, I feel like I've been on autopilot for 21 years, not caring enough about anything to create lasting and meaningful memories, relationships, opportunities, etc. Now that I've figured this out, I'm considerably depressed about it, but I also feel like it's too late to do anything because I'd basically be starting my life over again. Everyone has certain parts of their lives that they would do differently if they had the chance, but those parts of their lives helped make them who they are today, advising them what to do if they ever are presented with similar situations in their otherwise precarious futures. As for myself, I would do about 85% of my life differently if I had the chance. That's pretty fucked up. I'm not happy with who or where I am, and despite my burning desire to change that, I simply do not know how.

vocab words: devoid and precarious

Growth Through Suffering

As an alcoholic, it seemed there was rarely any choice between drinking or not. It was just a given that I was going to drink. I wanted to drink, so I did. There were no in-betweens, no self-discussions as to whether or not I should drink today. I think it's this way for most, if not all, alcoholics. I've been listening to what a lot of these people have to say lately, and it seems one of the crucial turning points is when someone tells them, "you don't have to drink today," and they realize the inherent truth in that statement. "No matter how tantalizing it may seem, you really can choose not to drink today if you don't want to." That's where the realization and the first step toward sobriety are both made.

Sometimes I like to imagine if I was incapable of choosing to drink. What would it be like if the decision not to drink was permanently made for me by something superior to myself? If you struggle with alcohol, like I do, it might be kind of ideal, don't you think? Just like it seemed there was never any decision to drink in the first place, I just did it, there would be no decision not to drink because I just wouldn't.

Sure, it might be nice. I wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of my alcohol consumption because there would be no consumption. But if I had that choice taken away from me, who would I be? I certainly would not be the person I am now, the person struggling with deciding whether or not I am going to drink today. See, it's the struggle to make a decision, and which decision is ultimately made, that defines who people are. All life is suffering, and your suffering defines you. If you hadn't suffered continually throughout life to be the person you are right now, who would you be? Would you like that person? I feel like struggle produces strength and character, and everyday that I grapple with the urge to drink, regardless if I come out victorious or not, is a day that I become a slightly better person. So do with that what you will.

vocab words: tantalizing and grapple

An Observer, if Anything

I have a hard time keeping up with this because I don't generally "free write", if we can call it that, if I'm not particularly inspired by something or at least feeling a little creative. Nine times out of ten, when I set out to write with no inspiration, I end up squelching whatever crap it is I come up with and decide to do something else like play video games. I especially prefer not to write something that will be made public if I don't truly feel like I have something (hopefully important) to say.

And that's just it - I don't have much to say. When asked, in the form of an essay question or debate topic, I could speak on a lot of things for a long time. This does not mean, however, that I care about any of those things, as it neither implies my opinion on any of them. Don't infer that I'm totally apathetic; I'm just trying to illustrate my point, and the point is that I like to keep to myself and really would prefer not to express much at all.

I go through these phases where I latch onto something that either really bugs me, or that I really care about. Thus far, since starting this blog, I have covered a lot of the things I am currently concerned with. What I mean is, I've just about run out of fuel for the time being. There are billions of other random thoughts clogging up my brain tubes with a veneer of intellectualism that I wouldn't mind revealing, but that's just what they are. Thoughts. One-liners. They stop short of providing a full-fledged post or discussion. I don't know enough about anything to really develop them, and I don't really care to. What I would like to do is simply carry on in about the same manner I have for as long as I can remember.

I've always been quite observant, noticing and remembering things that most people don't. I can recall the little things in life just as well as the important ones, and it used to trouble me that most people don't. I've come to be able to accept this now. I figure that most people are so concerned with the big things, that the little ones just fall to the wayside, having little impact on them and their big lives. I've long lost my ability to articulate the point I'm getting at now, which sucks because I think it's a really nice point.

vocab words: veneer and squelch(ing)

Preaching Indifference: A Sensible Cure to Conflict

What does the election of our first black president imply about the state of racism in the United States? To speak with complete honesty, I don't know, and I do not care. I think Barack Obama's victory resonated with scores of disenchanted blacks as their own personal victory as well. No one ever mentions that he is the child of an interracial couple and was raised by his white grandmother, but that's ok. I think some people really needed that victory, so who are any of us to take it away from them?

What I would like to take away from not just blacks, but practically everyone in this country, is the acknowledgment of diversity. I know how that sounds, but it’s very difficult for me to elucidate what I mean. I shall try my best.

Diversity has been an overwhelmingly significant source of conflict in this country since its establishment, and nothing anyone has ever done has come even close to solving the problems that arise from it. I believe there is one explanation as to why this is the case - every action that is influenced by diversity, be it with positive or negative intentions, brings attention to the fact that it exists at all. With issues related to diversity consistently on the news pages (same-sex marriage, affirmative action, feminism, etc.), we are just as consistently reminded that we are surrounded by those who are different from us and that something must be done about it! This constant reminder, I believe, only perpetuates the very "problems" that we are looking to resolve.

I have no issues with diversity or with those that are different from myself. In fact, I have the exact opposite of issues with diversity - complete and utter apathy. I've always been a big believer in tolerance and neutrality. However, I find these terms are a little too neat, perhaps a little too politically correct, to describe how I actually feel. What I preach I like to call indifference. I am the most indifferent individual you will probably ever meet. I simply don't care. I don't care that you're black, white, yellow, or brown. I don't care that Jesus Christ is your lord and savior and that she worships the sun god. I don't care that he likes taking it in the ass and that she's a rugmuncher. I don't fucking care. None of these characteristics will ever have an impact on the way I perceive someone. There are only two things that can and will affect my perception of someone: their words and their actions, and that's it. Even then, I try my damnedest not to even have perceptions of people. That facilitates the development of certain expectations, and I fervently believe that expectations arouse more trouble than even diversity.

Black history month, gay pride marches, various cultural events - all of these things have something in common: they perpetuate the conflicts that diversity creates. Any action on part of the government or other bodies that looks to resolve diversity-related conflicts clearly only have one audience. That audience is those who are going to stir up trouble when faced with diversity. That being said, I think we can safely assume that everyone else doesn't have an issue with diversity. So, I must ask, why all the advertisement? Why the marches and extravagant celebrations? You're advertising to those who have no issue with you and to those who are going to hate you for who you are. It makes no sense to me. What I really wish everyone would do is just stop giving a fuck, like me. All of these self-important, "look at us, we're different than you, respect us", obnoxious showcases have got to stop.

The government, most surprisingly, has not been the least helpful in any of this. Decades’ worth of retroactive legislation seeking to right wrongs committed in an otherwise forgotten era of constitutional adherence have engorged the interests of those who really bear no entitlement to such compensation. Some states and local governments have managed to have the presence of mind to ignore and stray away from affirmative action and various related mandates, but alas, the distinct boundaries drawn by our early federalist principles are vanishing in the looming shadow of the so-called “federal” government.

I feel I’m beginning to delve into something completely else, so I’d like to end while I still appear to be ahead. The preceding issues bother me. When I am bothered by present situations, I like to take comfort in unheeded wisdom of great minds that would construct a better human condition if only our omnipotent decision-makers would acknowledge them.

"Legislation is powerless to eradicate racial instincts, or to abolish distinctions based upon physical differences, and the attempt to do so can only result in accentuating the difficulties of the present situation."

-Supreme Court Justice Henry Billings Brown

vocab words: engorged and elucidate

Right, trite, or blight?

Sometimes I get so bogged down by the truths of eternity and the universe that I really can't recognize any discernible difference between one decision or another. Conscious and rational thinking is but a blip, some go so far as to call it an abnormality, in existence that I can't help but question its constructions. Human civilization continually changes its conditions, on almost a daily basis, with no end in sight. This is because we have encountered nothing superior to human intellect and thus are left to journey through time on our own, shaping our world based off of our amaranthine experiences. In one of many ways, I think people use religion to reconcile their feelings of supremacy in this world by vesting faith in something so great that we cannot fathom, see, hear, or speak to.

In the interest of avoiding digression, though, I would like to speak to the burdens of certain realizations. To regularly ask the question, "In the line of eternity, will this matter?" indicates a level of realization enough to drive one mad with insanity, absolute disregard for all life, or utter indifference and complacency, among other things I'm sure. I happen to fall under the latter most category; I can be complacent to the point of self-degradation. That sounds a bit extreme. This may actually be somewhat of a normal thing, but I have embraced unpleasant situations by way of not actively engaging to evade or dissolve them. 99% of the time, it's because I don't really feel or pay any mind to the effect these situations have on my life.

Railing against my apathy, however, is the opposite realization that my life is going to be what I make it. I've struggled for the majority of my life with caring enough to make it more than it is. This has been for nothing else but the belief that nothing that happens matters. If I become very accomplished and make countless contributions improving the quality of peoples' lives, how does that hold any more bearing on the remaining 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of the universe than if I just work by day and veg by night? Realistically, it doesn't. It makes difference not, and that ought to be reason enough never to strive for anything considered worthwhile.

It's the idea that things just don't have to matter that's been working on keeping my interest in life aflame. Regardless of the virtually non-existent influence and meaning of my life in this universe, I am still sentient and will be forced to experience all that comes my way. Having no desire for my life to end must mean I'm sticking around for something, right? If nothing really matters, though, then what is it that I'm waiting around looking for? Ought I to stop looking and start living? But what does living imply, embracing the natural flow of life or seeking active engagement in constructing your own realities? And if I haven't determined that yet, is it too late to do either? These are the questions I grapple with lately. It's a little like trying to kick an addiction, though. I use these questions to pull myself out of using the meaninglessness of existence as a reason not to do anything, but sooner or later, deciding how to live becomes too much to handle, and I fall right back into using again.

Maybe someone ought to tell me I'm using my thinking brain too much and that I need to shut up and carry on like a normal person.

vocab words: amaranthine and aflame

A Snooze Fest, I Tell You

You know what I really dig? Being in the carpool lane on the 87 S during rush hour traffic and blowing past all the cars in the adjacent lanes. Of course, I'll only do this when I have someone riding with me - the hell if I want to get pulled over for that, or at all. However, I do have some concern regarding the carpool lane and the rules that govern it.

What is the goal of the carpool lane? I think it serves as an incentive for daily commuters to group together and reduce the number of vehicles on the road, thus cutting emissions. Afterall, the law defines a carpool as a vehicle containing "2 or more persons". The incentive lies in the fact that the carpool lane moves faster than the lanes bogged down by vehicles containing but one driver and no one else. The rules of the carpool lane apply only during certain hours of the days Mon-Fri. I am completely on board with this otherwise lofty and idealistic endeavor, but I do have on central gripe about it. I genuinely feel that the rules of the carpool lane ought to limit the understanding of "2 or more persons per vehicle" to "2 or more licensed drivers per vehicle".

Fathom, please, this scenario: a woman in an Escalade enters the freeway during rush hour traffic. I have already been on the same freeway for a good twenty minutes in my manual transmission pickup truck that receives close to 30 miles a gallon. However, just having gotten off work, I am alone in my vehicle. The woman in the gas-guzzling Escalade is traveling with her three-year-old and proceeds to enter into the carpool lane and whizzes by me, leaving me miserable and hating life. Explain to me how her actions were environmentally conscious, allowing her to defy the laws of traffic. I'd be much obliged if you could.

Oh, duh. My bad, I forgot. Had she not been transporting her three-year-old son, he'd have been right behind her in his Hummer, putting out around three times as many emissions. So that was definitely a sustainable decision on her part to cart his ass 75 miles an hour through the carpool lane. Good to see at least one government institution isn't being completely taken advantage of.

My Human Question

Well, I'm about an hour late in crafting this week's blog. I wish I could say with honesty that I care.

I am so unbelievably fed up. All I want to do is carve a little niche somewhere in an abyss and vanish into it. I honestly think that's the only way I'll be left alone, and that's all I really want in this life. I just want to be left alone. When I observe human life around me and throughout the world, I am given the impression that it's intrinsic for us to want to be involved in others' lives, mutually shaping what happens to each other for our own benefit. Getting even deeper into it, I think it's just plain and inherent nosiness that drives individuals to be an interference in one way or another in someone else's life. To really put the point I'm driving at in perspective, let's examine the current human condition. The overwhelming majority of humans on this planet live in governed civilizations. Anytime you have concentrated amounts of people coexisting, it seems only reasonable that whatever natural traits or tendencies they hold in common, be it one or many, are going to manifest themselves into whatever system is established, and thus the reaches and consequences of these traits are magnified intensely.

Empirical evidence is the primary basis for my aforementioned claims. Now, more than ever before, the government and all of its contents are digging their nails deeper into every facet of human life. At the risk of sounding like the typical(ly uninformed yet over-enthusiastic) college student activist, some examples: unprecedented progress toward socialized health care or a public option; increased funding for police, military, Dept. of Defense (and all of its auxiliaries), and any other tool of interference in private citizens' lives; eminent domain; numerous attempts at legislating morality with regards to such issues as abortion, affirmative action, and homosexual rights; unrepresented taxation; an unspeakable amount of military intervention abroad weakly disguised as being in the name of our interests when in reality their purpose is to preserve the invidious interests of the state; etc.

It seems like there's a lot of pertinent evidence to support my claims regarding our tendency to be involved in the goings-on of others' lives. However, against all this stands one unfaltering testament to quite the contrary: me. I am generally indifferent to what happens in others' lives, and I certainly do not advertise myself nor my endeavors for all the world to be privy to. I keep to myself, and I damn sure wish others would do the same. It absolutely kills me that I live my life to myself, bothering nobody, but the state will practically have a fucking stroke trying to dive into it at any chance they get. Furthermore, the state acts with such impunity that I'm left to wonder if any of us are really human anymore. Are we? Or are we just unsuspecting subjects of a play that we think we're controlling but that has actually already occurred?

Every passing day brings something my way, whether it's a news item or something that happens to me, that cements my desire to disappear. I guess that's what apathy will do to someone. Although, this isn't always the case. Sometimes the apathy lacks, and something far worse fills its void. Aggression, hate, unbridled anger, and contempt. When apathy directs my actions, I'm unsatisfied. When I act not at all, I'm unsatisfied. I have yet to exercise any motions influenced by the alternative and fear what will happen if I do.

vocab words: invidious and impunity

"Pride, Integrity, Guts"

After reading all of my classmates' blogs, one in particular got me to do a little bit of thinking about something I've pondered for years now. It was a statement that was not addressed any further than its induction into an otherwise pretty unorganized argument against I'm not sure what. Briefly, this classmate commented about instances in which people would choose to take care of something themselves rather than getting the cops involved. I understand it was not necessarily the thesis of the post, but I'd like it to be mine, more or less. I have two strong beliefs from which my disdain for police stems. One is just a general principle from which I have been guiding my life for as long as I can remember. The second is specific to police and is drawn from my experiences with them, my friends' experiences with them, and everything else I know about them that I've learned through various sources.

For my entire cognitive life (and even beyond), I've taken care of myself to the best of my ability, and within the next couple of years, I am going to be completely independent (of my parents, namely). Even as a small child, my parents could bring or leave me anywhere, and I'd be perfectly content with my own company, not having to rely on others to be there to keep me occupied. I don't hesitate to, but I very rarely ask for help with anything. People are unpredictable, and that is one of myriad reasons why I do not like to rely on anyone but myself. Thus stems my principle disdain for police, government, systems, etc. - I can handle my own shit, and I don't need you or anybody else dipping their grubby paws into my business. All too often I get the impression that the government and its seemingly infinite and omnipresent stretches feel obligated to take care of our lives for us, because somehow we're just petty pieces of a larger machine that can't operate without some sort of superior. On the contrary, however, should a time ever come when I'm no longer capable of handling myself or my things, I will ask of you only one thing: a gun and a bullet. Fuck health care, Medicare, Medicaid, Welfare, Social Security, and the like. The hell if I'm going to burden a society that's burdened me my whole life.

I went to a hardcore show in Berkley a few weeks ago. On one of the walls in the venue, a band hung a banner that read, "FUCK COPS". Being on the same page, I captured a picture of it with my phone and set it as my external wallpaper. Most ironically, I was arrested later that night for something I'd rather not discuss. This banner and my picture played no role for the rest of the night; it was merely an unfortunate observation that I wanted to point out.

However, this is a topic that I would love to discuss with a cop if ever given the chance, and it brings me to the second root of my resentment toward police. My current impression of cops, which is subject and completely welcome to change by anything that comes my way, is highly unfavorable. All experiences I've had or been privy to that cops were involved in have me convinced that their espoused purpose of serving and protecting is blatantly neglected, not to mention the fact that I don't need anybody to serve or protect me. If given the chance, I would hastily refurbish every cop car in the country to read, "To harm and steal." Fathom this scenario: a man driving his vehicle safely and soundly, disrupting no one and in danger of harming nobody, gets stopped at a DUI checkpoint on an empty freeway at 1:30 in the morning. He is over the legal limit, though by no means drunk. The cops arrest him, impound his car, and he now has numerous fees totaling thousands of dollars and a smudge on his record for up to ten years. Show me where any good was done here, where anybody was served and protected, and I swear to (a) god I will kiss the next pig I see right on his fat fucking cheek.

I could craft a list of plausible scenarios like that to last for days, but in the name of brevity, I'll leave it at that. Seeing how this is not an essay, research paper, or anything like that, I'm going to wrap this up pretty casually with some final thoughts.

Against my will, I get to chip into a fund that supports a legitimate force that in recent times seems to have come to an understanding that they can basically do whatever they want to whomever they please.

Against my will, I have to follow laws applied universally that were meant to protect us from ourselves. I have to follow these laws despite the fact I'm not the idiot who created their precedent, despite the fact I'm not the idiot who goes around dabbling in everybody's life, despite the fact I'm not going to harm anybody by breaking any of these laws.

Against my will, I am surrounded by citizens who will never have the time of day to question what they unwittingly accept (everything) and thus I will continue to ebb deeper into frustration over current conditions.

Against my will, I have to struggle simply to carry on.

vocab words: omnipresent, unwitting(ly), ebb

Directionless

At this time, I'm still fairly skeptical of this blogging business. I'm not exactly sure what is being asked of me (short of introducing two new words into my vocabulary), so I'll just do a little bit of unloading.

I just finished what has been the worst summer of my life. I was involved in several incidents that ranged from mildly to decently devastating, the last of which occurred not one week ago. All of these incidents had at least one common denominator that had varying degrees of influence on what actually happened, and I think even a brief glimpse at my blog is quite telling as to what that denominator is...

I've been in a weird spot the past six months or so. I always used to think I had everything under control and that nothing I didn't want to happen was going to happen. I suppose reality begged to differ. I guess we all go through our various phases in life, and all I can say is that I hope the phase abutting this one is even just a tad more pleasant.

Anywho, this has become a bit of a catharsis to me as I'm not too accustomed with sharing what I've got going on in the inside. So, for that reason, I'm going to have to go ahead and call it quits for now. Until next time...

vocab words: abutting and catharsis